Tuesday, February 02, 2010


Day of the hearts is on the way and for single persons Valentines Day is a bit lonely for them.  Here are some tips on how to land into a good date and eventually relationship. It was written anonymously which I got from my email and from reading it I think it was written by a girl.   If anyone happens to know the writer please let me know.  So here it is.  Enjoy and Good luck.

THE OTHER PARTY - It's generally good to have at least some form of contact with the person you'd like to go out with. You don't just jump at a woman, kidnap her, and have the cops chasing you all the way to the south expressway. What really happens is that you meet somebody (and they're hot), find that person vaguely interesting (in a horny kind of way) and discover you have something in common. Then, in order to better know that person, you invite them to accompany you somewhere that the two of you can enjoy. If you have no originality, like me, you settle for the lame dinner and a movie date in a nearby mall.

THE PROPOSITION - Timing is the key. Pick a time and setting that's most appropriate to ask your object of desire out. Waiting for her to come out of the women's room might not be the best time. Nor would you want to suggest a date right after her father dropped dead because the bastard drank half his life away. You would want her and yourself to be in a comfortably good mood. Use the phone you clueless bastard! This way, you don't have to look at each other. She won't see you wearing your sisters hot dress and you won't have to see her fucking the entire drag racing group in the subdivision.

Better have something planned to do just in case she agrees to go out with you. There's nothing a woman hates more than some guy who just wants to get into her pants and can't even at least think of a way to spend money on her before she smacks him for putting his hand a little too far down on her waist. Have a place in mind before you ask. However, let's say you suggest going out for hamburgers. The object of your desire might say, "I'm allergic to meat and my brother choked on a burger chunk, he suffered 3 months in the hospital before he slipped on a leftover bun and fell through the hospital window, 18 floors high." If this happens, make sure you have a back-up plan. Suggest the two of you go to the countryside and shoot some cows. She'll like that.

A lot of people never get past the proposition step because they're afraid the object of their interest will laugh at the thought of even considering going out with such a tasteless, ugly, impotent pansy. I mean, if you were the last guy on earth, and the future of the species relied on us going to see Dreamboy and eating at the KFC, the planet Earth would enter the Age of the Cockroach. How could you even think I would want to be seen in public with you? Are you retarded or something? Seriously, you should just go home and put the barrel of a shotgun in your mouth, then pull the trigger, because there's no way you'll ever find anyone to love you.

Fear of rejection can end your date before it begins, so just steel yourself and ask away. If she says "no," just smile and say you understand. Then you can go home and watch old CD's of "Marimar" whilst crying and jerking off. If she says "yes", set a day and a time to meet. That's important. If you forget to do it, all the hard work you spent growing the balls to ask her out will go down the crapper. Then, everyone will realize how stupid you are and point and laugh at you.

GROOMING - For the sake of this article, let's assume that by some miracle of God, you've convinced some poor, clueless girl to go out for dinner with you. On the big night, you'll want to look and feel your best. Here are some pointers.

Let's start off with the big one: flatulence. Farting during a first date is a big no-no. You want to avoid it all costs. A good prevention method is the "Karen Carpenter Method" which is not to eat anything for at least twenty-four hours before going out, thereby allowing all the Kamote-cue and turon you eat to work it's way through your bowels before the meeting with your new love object. If you're just a really gassy person and you end up farting on the date, deny it at all costs. Blame it on her if you have to, or better yet, blame it on the waiter. Then, don't tip him.

Shower. If you're allergic to soap, which may explain why you're going on your first date at age thirty-three, be sure to give yourself a good spray down with Lysol or something. Wash your ass and balls (comb the hairs if you must). Don't even think you're doing this because you might get laid. You won't. It's just that women have a much better developed sense of smell than men. They can smell bagoong through a bank vault.

Attire is important. Think about the place you're going. Wear formal wear for a classy joint, casual threads for a bar, leather thong and steel spikes for that new S&M joint on 11th Ave in Caloocan. The worst thing in the world is to be under or overdressed on a first date. Going naked can remove this problem from the equation, but it'll shorten the duration of the date quite a bit. Trust me on this.

GETTING THERE - On a first date, it's sometimes a good idea to suggest that you meet at the agreed location. Some guys like to pick up the girl, but this creates a two-fold problem. First, she'll see the inside of your car and realize what a slob you are. Second, if the date doesn't go well, she ends up stealing your car to get away from you, and why not? After that comment about her ass and pig fat, you deserve what you get.

If for some reason you ignore this advice (And if you stop and consider the source, you will. I'm sitting at home on a Friday night writing this muck because no girl wants to be near a guy who smells like Distileria Limtuaco.), there's a couple of things you might want to keep in mind.

Don't pull up to her place and beep the horn, you fucking numbskull. That's what your mom used to do when she picked you up from dildo sculpting in your home economics class when you were a kid. Have some tact. Walk up to her door and meet her. And don't just say, "Get in the car, bitch." Take a minute to tell her how nice she looks. Act like you care about the twelve hours she and her roommates spent shopping for the perfect outfit and doing her hair.

Speaking of roommates, avoid them at all costs when you go to the door. They're pissed off because she's going out on a date with an actual guy while they sit at home with their vibrator, a bottle of San Mig Light, and a copy of An Officer and a Gentlemen. (We masturbate to porn. They masturbate to Richard Gere, Tom Cruise, and Brad Pitt. Don't try to understand. It's fruitless.) In the five minutes it takes you to get your date out the front door, they can ruin your whole evening by giving you the third degree about that short stumpy chick you banged in the bathroom at Dencio's.

Open the car door for her. She'll like that. Oh yeah, and close it too. The roommates are watching and if they see you forget to close the door, they'll laugh at you all night, ruining your chances of going out with one of them if this one doesn't pan out.

Music. Playing "Me So Horny" on the ride to the restaurant may give her the wrong impression, as will "Kill 'Em All" by Metallica. Stick to the radio, it's safe. Plus it'll give you something to talk about if any awkward silence arises because you realize you have nothing in common.

PRE-MEAL CONVERSATION - You've gotten to the restaurant and have somehow succeeded in not making an ass out of yourself. Congratulations. You're doing better than I usually do. Of course, I've never been on a date for eight years now, so that's not saying much. Offer to take her scarf or her panties or whatever useless article of clothing she's brought with her. A woman always brings one of these items, so here's an easy way to score points.

Order a bottle of wine. She doesn't drink? Well, why the fuck are you going out with her in the first place? The wine will loosen everybody up a bit. Both of you are wound up like a viola's g-string and you just need to ease down. Also, if things start to go sour, you can get loaded and convince yourself that you don't care and she's just a selfish whore anyway.

Now comes the hard part. You have to talk to her. On a first date, you'll often stick to small talk. Don't embarrass yourself by talking about your rash. Telling her about that time in Davao when you fucked a carabao when you were drunk is a little more information than good taste allows. It's been said that the three topics on a first date you shouldn't talk about are religion, politics and sex.

Let her lead the conversation. I've never met a woman who won't talk your ass off, and if she thinks you're really listening, you're IN. The danger here is that she's going to talk endlessly about a variety of subjects and you may realize that she's a) boring, b) stupid, or c) psychotic. A and B can be dealt with. C brings in a whole host of problems.

If you hit an uncomfortable silence, and you will, ask her what she thinks of the restaurant. This is a question that works whether she's been there or not, because the two of you have never been there together. (Aw, isn't that sweet? Shut your hole.) If you hit a second uncomfortable silence, ask her where she got her earrings/necklace/nipple piercing/tattoos. More points for you, buddy. Not only did you notice her attire, but you deflected another quiet streak. If she's not wearing jewelry, ask about her outfit. If she's naked, ask her if she wants to see your penis.

A word about eye contact: Don't look at her tits. It's tough not to. I know. She's babbling about how her friend Karen went to Baguio to shop for ukay-ukay, and you couldn't care less, so you figure you'll pass the time by checking out her rack. Resist the temptation. Look at her eyes. Always. Tell yourself you're in a staring contest with a lizard. Pry your eyes open with paperclips. Wear a neck brace that doesn't allow you look down. Do whatever you have to do. If you look at her tits too much, the cat's out of the bag. She knows that you just want to have sex with her, and the emergency locks on her chastity belt get activated.

Relax. Women love a guy who's confident. Try to forget what a loser you are. Oh yeah, and smile a lot. She doesn't like depressing people any more than you do.

DINNER IS SERVED - Finally, the waiter saves you from the umpteenth awkward pause by bringing your food. Wait until both plates are served and the waiter is gone to start eating. Let her start eating before you do. That way, if the food is poisoned, you'll know not to eat it. Oh, and use utensils. (Remember those?) If you were stupid enough to go to one of those restaurants where they have multiple forks, spoons and knives, not to mention a pick-axe and a knitting needle to eat with, just remember to work from the outside in. The woman probably doesn't care about that, because she doesn't know what the forceps are there for either, but it'll make her think that you do, and she won't make fun of you.

Chew with your mouth closed. And don't ask her if she likes "see-food," you juvenile.

Conversation will drop a bit during the meal, but not much. Keep dinner conversation light. Don't tell her about the maggot-infested rat you saw the other day whose intestines were splattered all over EDSA. Give your teeth a good lick every once in awhile to make sure you don't have food hanging off of them. Use your napkin. Wipe your whole face with it, because you'll invariably get some sweat on your forehead.

AFTER EATING - At this point, your date will usually excuse herself to "powder her nose" which is woman-speak for, "I'm going to go to the bathroom and laugh at you." Use this time to drink the rest of the bottle of wine, and order another. Slip the waiter a ten dollar bill to bring you the new bottle half full, so your date has no clue what you've done, but my, won't you be talkative when she comes back.

When she comes back to the table, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Belch, piss and make sure you don't have spinach in your teeth. Also, check your fly. Twice. If you walk back to the table with your fly down, she'll think you're mentally deficient.

The bathroom break is a good time to assess the date. If things are going badly, you can come back and say you got a phone call that your turtle, Pepe, got injured while mountain climbing and you have to go the hospital. If things are going well at this point, get prepped to ask her if she wants to go somewhere else. A little pep talk to yourself can do wonders.

"I'm cool. She likes me. I have a big, thick penis."

Don't lie to yourself too much.

After returning to the table, tell her that dinner was great. Then suggest that you go somewhere else for drinks and dancing. This is the point where no matter how badly you've fooled yourself into thinking things are going well, you learn the truth of the matter. If she declines, blow your brains out then and there. If she agrees, pat yourself on the back. The hard part is over. She likes you enough that she doesn't want to go home and catch the end of An Officer and a Gentleman. Instead, she'd rather keep the night going.

Personally, I like to go someplace where the woman and I can engage in some sort of activity such as dancing, billiards, exorcisms, etc. We'll choose dancing for our purposes, which is usually a big hit unless the woman is a cripple.

So, you get to the dance joint. Buy all of her drinks, even the ones she doesn't want. You drink them instead. Chat for a while to get used to the new atmosphere. Then ask her to dance. "What if I can't dance?" I hear you scream in a panic. Well, just add that to the list of things that makes you an inferior male. If you can't dance, you shouldn't have suggested going to a dance joint, you moron. What are you, a retard? Have some fucking originality.

Don't be afraid of making an ass out of yourself on the dance floor. You can't possibly do that anymore than you already have. Go for broke. If she sees you're having fun, she'll have fun. And don't grind her with your pelvis. This only happens at college parties and bars when they have all their girlfriends around. Put your penis inside your pants where they belong and respect her personal space. If you want to take her hands every once in awhile, that's okay, but if she decks you, let go of her hands.

Let's say a slow song comes on. This can be awkward, because in that moment, you're reminded that sometimes, dates lead to romance, lead to sex, leads to relationships, lead to marriage, leads to kids, leads to alcoholism, leads to infidelity, leads to suicide. All of a sudden, you realize the core reason that you went on this date: you want to bone the hell out of this woman. Well, yeah, there's that, but there's also the fact that because God is cruel, he made us not want to be alone. When the slow song comes on, politely ask her if she'd like to dance. If she says yes, put one hand on her waist (Don't cop a feel.) and take her hand in the other. Try not to step on her feet and, for God's sake, don't get a stiffy. Enjoy the moment. It may be the closest you ever get to her.

END OF THE NIGHT - At this point you're drunk and tired and horny, so the best thing to do is call it a night before you do something really stupid like try to impress her by eating broken glass. A lot of guys differ on how to approach this part of the evening. Some try to go to phase III which involves going back to somebody's apartment and fucking like rabbits. Here's the deal there: Are you going to bring some chick who fucked you on the first date home to meet your Mom? Besides that, if all you wanted to do was fuck her, why'd the hell you spend all that money on dinner and drinks? You could have just offered her the money up front and saved a lot time.

More often, it's better to opt for the good night kiss. How do you know if even this is appropriate? If at the end of the night, when you're telling her what a nice night you've had, she's looking at you with this expectant look, and keeps saying things to keep you from going, it's a good bet that it's okay to try to kiss her. If she's taking off like the building is on fire, you might just want to let it go.

On the kiss itself, my personal policy is to keep my tongue in my mouth unless I feel her tongue first. You can blow everything by slobbering all over her because your drunk and you're holding out on the impossible hope that she's going to offer you a blowjob. Just a nice peck on the lips is enough to suffice. Tell her you'd like to see her again, say good night, then go home and jerk off. Jerk off some more. Do it again just for good measure.

THE FOLLOW UP - How soon to call? This is up to you. Any guy who says to wait a few days before calling just wants to fuck with you. If she had a good time, and you didn't fuck up the good night kiss, she can't wait to hear from you again. Don't wait for her to call. I don't give a shit how liberated she is. Call the next day. Say that you had a great time, and ask her if she wants to go out again sometime. Ask her when she's free, and work something out. Try to be original, even if she saw the print-out of this article in your back pocket as you turned to leave the night before. It's okay. She thinks you're cute. You're on the road to a relationship.

May God have mercy on your soul.

No comments:

Post a Comment